1 00:00:03,066 --> 00:00:05,200 This program is rated 14 , 2 00:00:05,333 --> 00:00:07,266 and contains scenes of violence, coarse language, 3 00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:08,667 and mature subject matter. 4 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,633 Viewer discretion is advised. 5 00:00:12,433 --> 00:00:14,066 - Hello? - Hi. Uh, Steve. 6 00:00:14,233 --> 00:00:15,467 Mister-- Uh, it's Jordan. 7 00:00:15,633 --> 00:00:18,133 - How are you doing? - Good. Yeah. What's up? 8 00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:20,400 So, I'm shooting my sketch show, 9 00:00:20,567 --> 00:00:22,333 and it's kind of like a "Twilight Zone" sketch show. 10 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,500 And, um, we're looking for a host, 11 00:00:24,667 --> 00:00:27,333 for, like, a screen legend to be-- such as yourself 12 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,133 to be the host of the show, and I was-- 13 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:30,433 Oh, thank you. 14 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,133 Listen, I'm really busy now, 15 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:33,934 but thank you for thinking of me. 16 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,300 Really, I appreciate it. 17 00:00:35,467 --> 00:00:36,900 Yeah. 18 00:00:37,066 --> 00:00:39,633 Yeah, totally. Uh, totally. Um... 19 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:43,767 What about "StopAsianHate," though? 20 00:00:43,934 --> 00:00:45,133 Wh-- What? 21 00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:46,567 You know, it's just-- it's a shame, 22 00:00:46,734 --> 00:00:49,333 because this is the first Asian sketch show ever. 23 00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:50,400 Uh-huh. 24 00:00:50,567 --> 00:00:52,333 Is that right? I don't know. 25 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:53,967 - Wow. Yeah. - Look it up. 26 00:00:54,133 --> 00:00:55,467 No, uh, congratulations. That's cool. 27 00:00:55,633 --> 00:00:58,233 And so don't you think that that's important or... 28 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,166 Of course I do. What do you mean? Yeah, sure. 29 00:01:00,333 --> 00:01:01,967 It'd almost be racist if you didn't do it. 30 00:01:02,133 --> 00:01:04,500 - Wh... - Right? 31 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,500 - What? - Here we go. And... 32 00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:09,433 Alright. Two. Take two. Mark. 33 00:01:13,033 --> 00:01:15,700 Hush. Don't wake him. 34 00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:19,000 He'll be having his night terrors soon. 35 00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,900 Oh. 36 00:01:25,066 --> 00:01:27,033 It's almost time. 37 00:01:29,333 --> 00:01:32,200 You're about to enter a realm. 38 00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:34,934 A realm of desire, dread, 39 00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:37,967 fantasy, dreams and nightmares, 40 00:01:38,133 --> 00:01:40,867 hopes and horrors. 41 00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:44,500 Welcome to "The Terrors." 42 00:01:54,934 --> 00:01:56,400 Okay, everybody, listen up! 43 00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,200 I need you all up against the wall! 44 00:01:58,367 --> 00:02:00,133 Right now! Go! 45 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:01,200 Go, go, go! 46 00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:02,367 No funny business! 47 00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:03,400 We are joining you live 48 00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:04,900 from Brockton Savings Bank, 49 00:02:05,066 --> 00:02:08,567 where an armed man is holding five customers hostage. 50 00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:11,734 We are now getting word that the police are bringing in 51 00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:14,834 veteran negotiator Lieutenant James McMurphy. 52 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,033 Okay. What do we know? Chris Fagan, 34, no priors. 53 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,200 Hey, Lieutenant McMurphy here. 54 00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:21,800 You pigs try anything funny, 55 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:24,400 I'm gonna kill every single person in here. 56 00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:26,266 I don't think that's what you want. 57 00:02:26,433 --> 00:02:28,300 - You don't know what I want. - Maybe not. 58 00:02:28,467 --> 00:02:30,800 But if you promise me to keep these people safe, 59 00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:34,000 I promise you I'll do everything in my power to make it happen. 60 00:02:34,166 --> 00:02:36,500 Just tell me what you want, Chris. 61 00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:40,066 I want to be a famous snake. 62 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,367 I'm sorry, Chris. I-I don't think I caught that. 63 00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:48,600 I said I want to be a famous snake. 64 00:02:48,767 --> 00:02:50,633 And if you can't get on board with that, 65 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,033 then everyone in here is going to die! 66 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,000 Chris, hey, I hear you. I get you. 67 00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:58,400 - You do? - Yeah. 68 00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:00,066 Uh... 69 00:03:00,233 --> 00:03:03,467 you want to be a famous snake. 70 00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:04,834 Oh, okay. Famous sn...? 71 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,400 I don't know. Uh, so, when do we get started? 72 00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:08,834 When you say you want to be a famous snake, 73 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,700 are we talking, like, a motorcycle gang? 74 00:03:11,867 --> 00:03:13,567 What the fuck did you just say to me? 75 00:03:13,734 --> 00:03:15,266 I just wanted to clarify. 76 00:03:15,433 --> 00:03:16,867 You said you understood me! 77 00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:19,600 Do I look like I want to be a big, fat motorcycle guy?! 78 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,066 Is that what I sound like to you?! 79 00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:24,233 Chris, Chris, Chris! I hear you, okay? 80 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,266 I get you. 81 00:03:25,433 --> 00:03:27,367 You want to be a famous snake. 82 00:03:27,533 --> 00:03:29,633 Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 83 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:33,967 Okay, so, um, in terms of specifics, 84 00:03:34,133 --> 00:03:37,400 do you mean, like, you want to be a movie star 85 00:03:37,567 --> 00:03:39,433 who plays a snake in a movie? 86 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,500 Are you playing games with me, man? 87 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:44,266 I thought you said you wanted to get these people out safe! 88 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,066 Why am I not a famous snake yet?! 89 00:03:47,233 --> 00:03:48,934 Uh, Chris, we're working on it. 90 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,533 No, we're not. Working on what? 91 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:51,967 - Dude! - I got an idea. 92 00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:53,400 Why don't you name some 93 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,033 famous snakes, okay? 94 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:57,700 Well, I know them all, 95 00:03:57,867 --> 00:04:00,066 but I actually don't feel like naming any right now. 96 00:04:00,233 --> 00:04:01,667 How about if I name some? 97 00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:04,066 - Kaa from "The Jungle Book." - Kaa from "The Jungle Book." 98 00:04:04,233 --> 00:04:06,400 - Sir Hiss, "Robin Hood," - Sir Hiss from "Robin Hood." 99 00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:08,133 Oh, what about Medusa's hair? 100 00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:11,066 Medusa's hair. There's a lot of snakes there. 101 00:04:11,233 --> 00:04:12,834 Nagini from "Harry Potter"? 102 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,767 Get the fuck back! 103 00:04:15,934 --> 00:04:18,667 I'm the one calling the shots here, not you! 104 00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:21,500 I'm the one who gets to be a famous snake, not you! 105 00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:22,934 Chris, Chris! 106 00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:24,633 Hey, I need you to calm down, buddy, okay? 107 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,633 There's a basilisk from "Harry Potter" 108 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,400 and the serpent from Adam and Eve in the Bible. 109 00:04:29,567 --> 00:04:31,066 Oh, Eakins from Pokémon. 110 00:04:31,233 --> 00:04:33,500 Yeah. Eakins from Pokémon. 111 00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:36,000 Ekans. 112 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,300 Ekans. That's what I said. 113 00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:45,000 You really know a lot of those guys, huh? 114 00:04:45,166 --> 00:04:47,166 Yeah, I guess I do. 115 00:04:47,333 --> 00:04:49,433 Okay, listen up! I changed my mind! 116 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,900 I don't want to be a famous snake anymore! 117 00:04:52,066 --> 00:04:53,767 I want to be something else! 118 00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:55,633 Alright, what is it now, Chris? 119 00:04:57,633 --> 00:05:00,200 I want to be a hostage negotiator, 120 00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:01,700 just like you. 121 00:05:13,533 --> 00:05:15,066 Whoops. My bad. 122 00:05:19,934 --> 00:05:22,333 Mr. Langford, in my many years on this bench, 123 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:24,600 I've judged men of every stripe, 124 00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,133 men of every station, 125 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:27,800 from the lowly dirt farmer 126 00:05:27,967 --> 00:05:29,867 to the well-heeled captain of industry. 127 00:05:30,033 --> 00:05:34,667 But I must say, your crimes represent the darkest strain 128 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,734 of moral corruption this bench has ever observed. 129 00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:41,700 Your Honor, there's been a mistake. 130 00:05:41,867 --> 00:05:44,533 I am innocent. I was framed. 131 00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:47,033 Hold your tongue, son. 132 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,867 Lest you desecrate Lady Justice any further. 133 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:52,066 The 12 good men and women of the jury 134 00:05:52,233 --> 00:05:54,967 have found you guilty beyond any reasonable doubt. 135 00:05:55,133 --> 00:05:58,500 And after due consideration for the proper punishment, 136 00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:01,066 given the wickedness of your crime, 137 00:06:01,233 --> 00:06:03,934 I hereby sentence you to 15 138 00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:07,333 hugs and kisses from the nearest judge. 139 00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:11,934 Holy fucking shit! What the fuck? 140 00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:18,266 What? 141 00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:20,667 What... What does that mean? 142 00:06:20,834 --> 00:06:22,233 Are your ears as touched and tainted 143 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,000 as your sense of justice, sonny? 144 00:06:25,233 --> 00:06:27,367 No. Um... it's just, 145 00:06:27,533 --> 00:06:28,667 did you say my punishment is 146 00:06:28,834 --> 00:06:31,400 15 hugs and kisses from the nearest judge? 147 00:06:34,467 --> 00:06:37,834 Bailiff, please consult our federal statutes and tell me, 148 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,867 where might the nearest judge be at this moment in time? 149 00:06:45,834 --> 00:06:47,400 Your Honor, the nearest judge is 150 00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:49,633 located in this very courtroom. 151 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,867 The nearest judge, Your Honor, is you. 152 00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:56,700 God! 153 00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,967 Ain't that a fine how-do-you-do? 154 00:07:02,066 --> 00:07:03,400 Is this what you wanted? 155 00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:06,467 - You asked for fif-- - Easy, boy. Easy. 156 00:07:06,633 --> 00:07:09,800 Well, then, let's get on with it. 157 00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:12,700 Why are you sad? This is fine. 158 00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,333 Is this, like, bad? 159 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,333 I'm so sorry, son. 160 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:17,767 I have failed you. 161 00:07:17,934 --> 00:07:21,934 What happens now is between you and God. 162 00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,066 So, sorry, um, just to clarify, 163 00:07:24,233 --> 00:07:28,400 I am innocent, but this is my punishment for manslaughter? 164 00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:30,000 Stand still now, son. 165 00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:33,066 Ooh, you disgust me. 166 00:07:57,066 --> 00:08:00,266 Holy fucking shit! 167 00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:20,166 Do you know if you need a key to the bathroom? 168 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,033 Uh... I don't know. 169 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:29,834 My wife's Korean. 170 00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:32,667 Cool. That's, uh... 171 00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:34,066 That's cool. 172 00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:40,533 Is this cracker bothering you? 173 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:43,033 No. No, it's okay. 174 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,667 What the hell, man? Hey, don't touch me, cracker! 175 00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:47,600 Guys, it's okay. It's fine, it's fine. 176 00:08:48,066 --> 00:08:49,266 You're safe with me. 177 00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:51,367 My wife... 178 00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:52,533 she's Vietnamese. 179 00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:55,033 Cool. 180 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,200 Awesome. 181 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,100 Chinese. 182 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,300 What? 183 00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:15,033 My wife is Chinese. 184 00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:18,533 Oh. Okay. 185 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,533 I don't know what it is, but I feel like every guy 186 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,500 in their 50s and 60s 187 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:39,000 needs to tell me their wife is Asian. 188 00:09:39,166 --> 00:09:43,233 Like, I can hear them all the time. 189 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,000 They're always around. 190 00:09:45,166 --> 00:09:48,166 Maybe they're just trying to relate to you? 191 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,600 Have you been sleeping okay? You look exhausted. 192 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:55,667 Hey. 193 00:09:58,033 --> 00:10:00,300 You guys are in analytics, right? 194 00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:02,700 Yeah. 195 00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:05,166 I met my wife in Osaka. 196 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,367 Osaka is beautiful. 197 00:10:19,533 --> 00:10:21,467 I love her so much. 198 00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:23,633 But now... 199 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,433 now they want to take away our right 200 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,033 to say we have Asian wives. 201 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:34,200 She married me, so obviously I'm a good guy! 202 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,600 - Jordan? - Yes. 203 00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:38,300 We have a cabin in Michigan. 204 00:10:38,467 --> 00:10:40,166 Go, go, go, go, go! 205 00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,133 Mendoza? 206 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:43,700 Huh. 207 00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:47,800 It's a Spanish name, an Asian face. 208 00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:50,967 You must be Filipino. 209 00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:54,667 Like my wife. 210 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:59,200 Okay, show's over. 211 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,266 Wake up!